Fuel for Empowering Relationships
A relationship requires a certain level of commitment and obligation. When I say relationship, I’m not just considering romantic relationships with a boyfriend, partner or spouse, I’m considering all of the relationships possible in our lives. Relationships with family, children, friends, co-workers that align with our passion and our life purpose. I’m also talking about everything and everyone that you engage with throughout your day, week and life. All of these relationships require a certain expenditure of energy during the life of the relationship. This level can vary depending on circumstances, but there is always a little something that is taken from you and put into the relationship. You are outputting, taking action and using fuel to engage with all of these relationships and it is consuming. In order to remain alive and viable, a relationship requires a certain amount of energy to live, get nourished and to thrive. A great analogy for a relationship is a plant. Plants need water, sunlight, nourishment and attention in order to grow. Like each relationship, each plant has different requirements. Some prefer a little water, others need more, and some might need a little sun, while others need constant exposure to sunshine. Managing all of these relationships can be overwhelming and consuming. Here are some tips that can keep you and your relationships thriving and full of energy.
Do:
Get still, relax and shut off – It is important to set aside some time every day just for you. No phones, no computers and no one else. Whether it is a time for mediation, writing in a journal or just sitting quietly, this time is critical for recharging your batteries.
Listen to your body – Your body is the most important barometer of how we are feeling and what we need. So start listening to it. When you are tired, rest. When you are hungry, eat. We need to listen to both the physical and emotional messages that our bodies are sending us. How are we feeling? What do we need? Breathing is one of the best techniques for listening to our bodies. Is your breath short and constricted? Are we feeling our breath into each cell of our bodies? Once you become aware of your breath, you can use it as a tool for measuring, sensing, locating and defining each of your experiences. By listening to these messages our body is sending and acting on them, we are making ourselves and our relationships more vibrant and fulfilling.
Know Your No’s and Yes’s – As individuals, each of us has different needs, wants and desires. We have setup our lives to accommodate these things and work to keep them top of mind. When we are in a relationship, we are eager to please the other party and have a tendency to allow the needs of them take priority over our own. Let’s say that in order to be ready for the day, you start getting prepared for bed at 9:00 pm. You have a friend who likes to call you at this time and not wanting to hurt your friend, you take the call even though you know it will affect you. By realizing this, you can say no to your friend by explaining that while you enjoy speaking with her, it would be better for you if she could call earlier in the evening.
Stand By Your Core Values – We all have values that are important to us. Trust, honesty and loyalty are just a few that come to mind. These values are what make us unique individuals. If your relationships are causing you to move away from these values or your relationship partner doesn’t treasure these values it may be time to re-evaluate the relationship. Reflect and get honest with which values it is 100% a need to have met in your relationship and which values you feel good with 50% or less of a match. When you move from a place of integrity (center) your relationships align to meet that or will transition to a fit that is more serving of all parties involved.
Self Care, Take a Day off – Remember to take a day off, just for you. No phones, no appointments, no online updates. Unplug from the everyday and take the time to really see the world you are living in. Look at the trees, people and animals that are a part of your neighborhood. Take a walk through the park. Focus on what is going on around you. Many times we miss out on things that are happening right in front of us because we are too busy with other distractions.
Don’t:
Forget to Use Your Ears and Heart – Listening, really listening is an essential part of any relationship. Others want to be heard, understood and to know that their thoughts and opinions matter. So instead of thinking about the next thing you are going to say, look at the speaker intently and let them know that you are listening to what they are saying. Your body language can do a lot of this for you. Nodding and leaning in are signs that you are engaged in the conversation and are ready to hear more.
Make Their Problem Your Problem – Whether a problem is an ongoing one that was brought into the relationship or one that came about after the beginning of the relationship, don’t make someone else’s problem your problem. Just because you are in a relationship, it doesn’t mean that you should share problems. It is important to let them know that you understand the issue they are dealing with and that you are there for them, but this is their battle.
Lose Yourself – Especially in new relationships, we have a tendency to put the interests of the other party ahead of our own. We go to their favorite places, do their favorite activities and our likes and interests take second place. It is important to take turns doing activities. Make sure you are doing things that you like as well so that you your interests don’t get lost and their interests don’t replace your own.
Forget to Tend and Nurture- Each relationship needs attention. Without attention, the relationship will wither and die. Remember our plant analogy? Relationships need to be watered, and feed instead of left to fend for themselves. It takes effort to create and maintain a positive healthy relationship.
Be Afraid to Walk Away – Even with our best intentions, there are relationships that either run their course or become too consuming in certain ways to continue. You may notice they drain you more than fuel you and your life purpose. When this happens, it is OK to walk away from the way the relationship is now and allow it to come into what I call “Right Relationship”. The most important person in our lives is us. If a relationship is harming the relationship that we have with ourselves, it is in our best interest to put our needs first, feeling into what you are needing and feeling. This will give you the capacity to make an empowered choice to walk away from the relationship if needed.
All relationships are consuming and that isn’t a bad thing. Relationships give us the opportunity to be consumed with joy, love and happiness. We can find absolute joy in spending time with our relationships, giving and receiving love and keeping busy doing activities within them. We need to pay attention to ourselves and make sure that we don’t allow the fuel within us to burn low.
In a world that is conditioned to live overstimulated and on overdrive, it seems normal to be running around finding the next best thing to do, gathering to get to, business network to network in and all we seem to do is talk, talk, talk, talk. This makes it hard for us to shut off. Minds are spinning, stress is building, conversations get louder and people aren’t even sure what it means to be quiet, to really feel and to be intimately connected. In the art and act of relationships people sometimes lose their center not from a lack of joy, but simply by getting caught up and consumed in over giving to the relationship, taking on their partners emotions and not nourishing themselves to the degree needed.
Remember it is essential to remember self care and your own personal joy. When you nourish your relationship with self this will be fuel for your relationships with others.
© Tziporah Kingsbury
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